Recently I keep having lizard traumas, and I must say that today's is the most horrific of all lor.
I am rejoining Stomp, so I had to do a photoshoot right... then there was a miscommunication and nobody told me I am supposed to wear my own clothes!!
So there I was, stupidly, at 10.30am in the morning at SPH, having took a $14.50 cab fare from home, and dressed in my lousy tee and shorts, totally inappropriate for the red and black theme.
5 minutes into meeting the lady-in-charge I stopped short and realised we were in a dire situation.
I cabbed home again to get suitable clothes, and I thought, I might as well just ask the cabbie to wait downstairs - might actually be cheaper than calling another cab.
And so I did!
So I went upstairs, opened my wardrobe, and a fucking gigantic lizard was inside my wardrobe and tried to escape out!!
The stupid fucker tried to weasel through the hinge crack and couldn't, so I took the opportunity and SLAMMED THE DOOR SHUT DAMN HARD.
BAM!
Fucking lizard was smashed until he gong gong between the door and wardrobe!
He was stuck there, so I slammed once more to make sure he is dead.
BAM!
Fucking tail fell out!!
THE TAIL FELL ON MY FAVOURITE WHITE TERRY CLOTH SHORTS!
The tail wiggled so vigariously, as if it had a life of its own, and was so rapidly flopping around that I could only do one thing:
I stood there, stone-still, and screamed my lungs out for Momo.
She hurried in and I explained what happened to her in a trembling voice. She shoved me out of the place (stomp dress in hand) and told me to go before the cab leaves me.
My brave Momo!
She took a giant piece of masking tape and cleared up the corpse.
In the process, she claimed that the lizard's body (still stuck up there in between the door and wardrobe) fell down and when she saw the dead eyes staring up at her, she vomitted.
Poor Momo!
I recently keep having horrific encounters with lizards which involve me somehow giving them a horrible death.
I used to not mind them very much, coz I think unlike cockroaches lizards always know how to siam when they see humans and also they eat the mosquitoes, but man...
Maybe 2 months ago one lizard DIED while being trapped in the tangle of computer cables behind my desk, and THE SMELL IS SOOOOOOOOOOOO BAD.
For a week I could smell a sour, salty and tangy smell in my room, and I didn't know what the hell it was!
I searched for damn long and thought maybe I dropped some food behind the computer table and that's why it smells so bad.
Then finally I couldn't take it anymore and moved the table away.
There, trapped in the complicated cables was a lizard, who, maliciously enough, decided to end its life in my room.
WHERE IS THE FUCK ARE ALL THE CORPSES OF LIZARDS ANYWAY?
Have you ever thought about that? There are so many lizards around, yet I've only seen one dead one (and this one's not dying of old age either, it was trapped). Come think of it I saw another baby one before behind my couch. It was totally dried and black. YUCK!
But where are all the dead old adult lizards? Eaten up? By ants? Yuck, lizard so yucky also got people eat.
Weird. Come think of it, where are all the dead birds and dead stray cats? Are our cleaning bangalas that efficient?!
Food for thought.
Anyway as I was saying! I had to clean up that lizard corpse (just my luck it is resting in hot wires and therefore was prone to emitting that horrible smell 10x) and I kept making puking noises while doing it.
AFTER THAT I DECIDED TO DECLARE WAR ON LIZARDS.
I had enough of their shit (literally), and NO MORE LIZARDS ALLOWED AT HOME!
Just 1 week ago I smacked (with my slipper) one baby lizard to death while showering.
At first it was on the high corner of the bathroom, so I made sure I stood far enough, and sprayed it with damn hot water.
It fell to the ground, at the bottom corner... I turned on the water full blast, and kept spraying it till it was spinning around rapidly in an a miniature wave-pool.
After 10 minutes of malicious spraying, the lizard flopped on its back, apparently dead.
NOT!!!
Bugger was fucking pretending ok!
So I sprayed it again, for another 5 mins. It just won't drown! So annoying! But it was indeed very exhausted from spinning, so it just stood there unmoving.
Big mistake.
I smacked it 3 times with my slipper.
Since I was doing all this drama, I wasn't done with my showering, so I had to continue showering all while pretending the grey corpse of a smashed lizard wasn't just 30 cm away from me.
Yuck!
OK here's the thing. If you are in the same situation as me, and supposing you can't flush the lizard into the drainage coz there is a sieve there, what would you do?
Would you
a) Use plastic bag to pick up the lizard
b) Use your bare hands to pick it up ("Lizard only what, cheh...")
c) Use vaccuum cleaner
d) Use masking tape
I considered A and D, but I didn't wanna feel the mushiness behind the plastic bag and I thought the masking tape might not stick a wet lizard, so I came up with something better.
I used disposable wooden chopsticks to pick it up and throw it into the toilet bowl!
BEST.
The tail took some skill to pick up.
Two days before this, I used a microwave-safe plastic box to trap a gigantic lizard!
When I slid the lid back from under the box and had the lizard trapped, I looked at it, and its stupid bulging eyes seemed to be pleading me to just let it go.
....
DO YOU REMEMBER YOUR FRIEND WHO DIED IN MY COMPUTER CABLES, YOU FUCKER?!
YOU THINK I'M GONNA LET YOU GO?!
NEXT TIME MAYBE WHEN YOUR SORT DIES YOU WILL THINK OF A BETTER PLACE TO DIE, HUH?! HUH?!
And so, hatred pulsed through me at a scary rate and I shook the box containing the lizard hard... for 5 whole mins.
I imagine I must have looked damn crazy and definitely would not have sex with myself if I weren't me. I'd have sex with myself when I am not crazy though. I'm pretty hot.
After shaking it for so long, the tail fell out into 3 separate pieces, and bits of its body was mashed up, not to mention it also shitted itself. Gross!
Before it died, for a split second I contemplated putting the box into the microwave just so it will die in the most horrible way possible. But of course I didn't, the microwave is for food mah!
So anyway, WHY AM I SO CRUEL?!
After all my killings I realised I don't kill for justice anymore, I kill for a sadistic, perverted high!
It makes me feel good and powerful!!
I think I am going to turn into a serial killer! I read on wikipedia that most serial killers start out by torturing small animals even when they are kids.
I told my worry to Rozz, who told me that lizards are not (relatively speaking) animals and they are evil and deserve being tortured.
I then told my worry to Mike, who laughed it off and said that he used to explode ants and also, once, used a BB gun on a chicken.
Those air guns are really painful and he and his brother shot the chicken (who very unfortunately flew into their backyard by mistake) at least 150 times.
Horrible boys!!!
The chicken actually survived and flew away, and Mike said he saw it walking along the sidewalk a few days later.
He also told me he was aiming mostly for the head.
I guess I am not cruel enough to be a serial killer after all.
But hey, if lizards could talk, I'd be their feared serial killer.
Yeah, I'm a Lizard serial killer. I killed 3 in a week. You are a lizard reading this, you better be careful.
************
Anyone watched the movie Hostel? Fantastic show. It's about this guy who went holidaying and was trapped to be the victim at a torture-house where rich clients pay to torture and kill people.
He escaped (after being tortured quite badly), and in turn he tortured his torturer the same way the torturer did to him.
It is very funny, because at the start when he was being "innocently" tortured, I suppose the movie watchers will all agree to take the guy's side and feel strongly against the rich sadistic torturer.
However, when this guy was taking his revenge and did stuff like cutting off his enemy's toe (his own toe got cut off too), I felt like he was doing the right thing, and was even cheering him on to do more to his enemy.
Now that's weird isn't it? It's the same torture, but as long as we feel we can justify it, we seem to enjoy it, but if we can't, then we say it's cruel and heartless blah blah.
Serial killers are just like any of us - it's just that they justify taking their victims because they are sick in the head.
For example, Ted Bundy killed young girls who look like the one who dumped him in high school. John Wayne Gacy killed young boys coz he was secretly homosexual and hated what he called "gay-acting people".
I find American serial killers very fascinating (not in a good way, but still, fascinating)! They are the worst sort, for some reason.
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